USA Thanksgiving Alright!

Nov 26 2009

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I am a Canadian, so I don’t know what Thanksgiving is like in the United States of Americana, but I imagine it would be something like this.

A select number of Americans are chosen in a lottery to be sacrificed to the alien beings. Oh, in case you didn’t know, the aliens have arrived in the USA and they
are using mind control powers on Americans for the purpose of world domination. As a result, the aliens have deemed all American holidays to be in honor of the aliens. So anyway,  after the aliens have had their fill of human flesh, the citizens are allowed to commence their regular holiday traditions.

Here we see an American mother wearing her traditional Thanksgiving sausage necklace. The sausage necklace can only be worn on Thanksgiving day and only by the American mother hosting the dinner. This tradition originated from the American  ideology that sausage is pretty. Extreme beauty is thought to be bestowed upon the wearer of the sausage necklace, and any American non-blood related or unrelated man that is in the vicinity of the wearer will be overcome with lust.
This also causes any other non-blood related or unrelated American females at the function to burst into a fit of jealous rage and initiate an attack on the wearer of the necklace. The children become upset, and so the American mother will usually remove the necklace before any blood shed takes place.
While this sausage necklace fiasco is going on, the local Thanksgiving Bear is making his rounds to all of the houses in the city to spread the ideas of thankfulness and giving.
Some think the Thanksgiving Bear is magical and he flies from house to house; however, the above image was captured of the Thanksgiving Bear making his rounds in a taxi. Magical my ass! Anyway, the Thanksgiving Bear will select one lucky American family each year to join them for Dinner.
Source: Maniac World
Here we see the Thanksgiving Bear consuming one of the approximately 50 million turkeys slaughtered for this momentous day.
After Thanksgiving dinner is over, and everyone is done chit chatting about trivial non topics, people go home to their respective households and talk shit behind the backs of all the other people that were at the dinner.
That’s the USA Thanksgiving in my mind. In many ways it is similar to that of the Canadian Thanksgiving, but it is against the Canadian Holiday Secrecy Act to speak of specific details about the Canadian Thanksgiving traditions. So unless I want to spend the rest of my life in prison, I can’t divulge that information. Also any documents that you might find describing the Canadian Thanksgiving are most definitely fake, so don’t even bother looking for them.
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6 Responses to USA Thanksgiving Alright!

  1. Anonymous says:

    If sausage is sexy then from the waist down i must be alex trebeck.

    – Petey

  2. Neon Jello Evangelist says:

    You are Alex Trebeck!

  3. margaret says:

    looks like i missed quite a lot while i was away from the internet. nice new website design. also some funny posts. however, as an american, i find this post to be grossly inaccurate. our thanksgiving has far more aliens, about have as many bears, and at least 10 times the sausages that you've depicted here. i hope in the future that you put more thought and consideration into your posts, particularly when you are posting about your friendly southerly neighbour who has about 3000 times more guns than you do.

  4. Neon Jello Evangelist says:

    Thanks, I also like the site design. I'm sorry if I offended you and your culture. I was merely speculating as to the traditions of an American Thanksgiving, I had no idea that any of this would actually turn out to be true. Looks like I'm some sort of clairvoyant. I should be called Neon Jello Clairvoyant instead. Happy USA Thanksgiving!

  5. Yours Faithfully says:

    Good one! BTW, I'm Lady Luck….I'm the human who was blessed with the Alien Presidential Pardon.

  6. Neon Jello Evangelist says:

    Lucky you. I have a question. Do the aliens eat the humans alive or cooked?

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