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Crime Team

Nov 04 2009

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After a long hiatus away from blogging, I have decided to try it out again for no apparent reason. Today we will be analyzing an interesting party pic I found while sleuthing the internet.

Here we have a dude preparing some marijuana while a little dude waits to smoke the marijuana. I must say, the little dude has some brilliant fashion sense. Check out those shorts! He is single handedly bringing back the 90’s sofa pattern look. Oh, and are those nylons? Way to be little dude! These guys are so ready to party. I can’t help but think that the little dude looks like none other than Neelix from Star Trek Voyager.

Photo Source: About Womyn

Check that out! The resemblance is shocking! Maybe the little dude is the spawn of Neelix. He has probably turned to drugs after realizing his dad is is featured in Star Trek cook books. How sad. I think that if Little Neelix could just accept Big Neelix as a loving caring father, they could work together as a crime fighting duo. An unstoppable crime fighting duo!

Look out everybody, here comes Crime Team in their time traveling Cronos to save the day!

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Hostage Crysis

Jul 01 2009

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A new fad is sweeping the nation. No, I’m not talking about sausage dumplings. I’m referring to the widespread, and seemingly accepted, hostage crysis taking place right here in our neighborhoods. Families have begun to divide and start taking their own family members hostage. See for yourself.

Sally, on the left, has taken her mother hostage after requesting sausage dumplings for supper and being shut down. Sally’s mother, Rebecca, says that “after Sally took me hostage, we are much closer and things have never been better”. As it turns out, the majority of these in family hostage takings actually strengthen the relationship between family members. Sally says “Mommy gives me dumplings now. I love mommy. If mommy doesn’t do what I say, I shoot her face blam blam ahahahaha”

This isn’t just an isolated incident. Take the Lagimodiere family for instance.

Stanley has taken his wife, daughter and two dogs hostage after realizing that he had a tiny penis. Stanley says that he feels much more confident in himself and in the relationship he has with his family. “They respect me now” he says. Stanley’s wife, Linda, said that she “worships his penis now, eventhough it is still pathetically tiny.” Stanley’s daughter did not wish to comment and when I attempted to interview the dogs, there appeared to be some impenetrable communication barrier in place.

The case of the Gillis family is quite interesting and definitely worth mentioning.

All members of the Gillis family, except the dog, have taken up arms and are holding every other family member hostage. A Mexican standoff so to speak. In this situation, relationships have not strengthened or weakened and are practically at a stand still. The dog was quoted as saying “These people are fucking lunatics, get me out of here! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SANE AND RIGHTEOUS, PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

Silly dog.

Here are some images of other families that are in a hostage crysis.

Crazy gun toting bastards.

Photo Source: Armed America

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Silly Nazis

May 18 2009

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I love looking at old photos of Nazis being silly and having fun. There’s something about seeing the lighthearted side of people that are generally considered pure evil that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. They are just human like everyone else. Lets take a look, shall we?

Photo Source: Some Blog

This image is totally awesome beyond belief. I like to imagine that the Nazi guy driving is belting out a high note, holding it steady, while performing his death defying feat. Nazis love to sing in an operatic fashion while they attempt to impress their friends. Also, the guy leaning on the left is definitely squeaking out a fart. His friends call him Stinky.

Photo Source: Some Blog

“HAHAHAH, Klaus, just face it. You couldn’t break dance if your life depended on it.”

Seriously though, I think this Nazi is slipping on ice while his comrades laugh. Except the second one from the left, he looks like he is going to kick his ass. He is a firm believer that losing balance while walking on ice is grounds for violent disciplinary action. Klaus is going to get it.

Photo Source: English Russia

“Got your nose Lenin. HONK HONK”

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Barf Parade

May 16 2009

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I have found a number of really great pictures of people barfing so I thought I would amalgamate them into one magnificent blog post of my top 5 barf photos.

Barf Photo #5

Source: MMOAB

This is a pretty great barf photo. I for one hate barfing. It goes out through my nose and the taste stays in my mouth even after brushing my teeth. It truly does suck. This guy tripled up on the suckage. Let me explain. First off he barfed into his helmet, which keeps the barf nice and close to his face for maximum stench and slime factor. I would suspect he is having trouble breathing in there. Second off, he probably rode his bike to that McDonald’s, so if he doesn’t want to die or get a ticket, he will have to wear the helmet on the way home. Lastly, when he takes off the helmet, the barf is going to smear all up his face and on to his forehead. AWESOME! Oh yeah, and that dog is totally about to eat that barf. I know it, I just know it!

Barf Photo # 4

Source: MMOAB

This guy would make Linda Blair jealous. Look at that glorious thick green stream. I like how he is holding his hand out to the side, almost like he is saying “TAAADAAA!” For his next trick he will wallow in his own barf. I think I just found the source of swine flu.

Barf Photo #3

Source: Puke Planet

This is a fairly popular barf photo. As you can see, the man on the left has just punched a guy in the face and barfed simultaneously. Amazing, I know. On top of that, the barf is shooting out of his nose in two perfect streams. It’s too bad the barf didn’t land on his punching victim; it would have been a double attack. He could make it his special attack, Barf Punch Humiliation. Seriously though, this guy is a loser.

Barf Photo #2

Source: Photobucket

This is by far one of the greatest barfing moments captured on film. I wonder if the barfing kid is intentionally barfing on the kid kneeling down to his right. I like how nobody else in the picture shows any hint of noticing the kid barfing. Maybe it was a stealth barf attack. I just realized that barfing should be incorporated into attacks more often.

Barf Photo #1

Source: Webpages

The picture says it all.
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The Good Old Days

May 07 2009

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Source: Flickr Gem66

This here is grandpa. He liked to get out in the forest and bag himself lots of game. He nabbed 3 deer that day and got himself an ewok to boot. The ewok was the one wrapped in the bag on the front. Grandpa always said, if you nab 2 or more deer, display them proudly on your car and arrange them as if they are Santa’s reindeer. If you bag less than 2 deer, don’t even bother coming home because you have shamed the family. If you get an ewok, high five and macaroni. He was fairly non sensical at times.

This is my Aunte Betty. Everything she owned was huge, including her many hair driers. She said that it felt like having a bunch of elephants sing to her when she used them. She died right after this photo was taken from an ailment called crispy face.

This is dad and one of the fellas at work. They always loved to goof around. There is something strange about this photo though. Nobody seems to know who the man is up on top of the truck. He sort of looks like a carboard cutout, but dad says there was nothing like that on his work truck. I think he is a slider, and he slides around from other dimensions like in that show Sliders.

Source: Comcast

I bet the reason he looks flat is because he is from a 2 dimensional world, like in the magnificent movie Flatland. He has no purpose for his sliding, other than to pop up in people’s photographs as a mysterious background dude with no depth. Ted the Interdimensional Background Dude strikes again! I smell a new tv series.

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The Robot Saga

May 02 2009

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Despite popular belief, robots do grow and they do have feelings, at least this particular robot does. His name is Danny, and this is his story.

Source: Makezine

As a young robot, Danny was very clumsy and uneducated. He would spend hours standing around in front of a blaring television doing absolutely nothing just so he wouldn’t fall on his face. This was due to the fact that when Danny was purchased, he was practically a clean slate. He had no knowledge of anything so he didn’t know how to do anything else. His owners were a family of seemingly joyful, yet inconsiderate humans. It was their responsibility to interact with Danny and teach him life skills, but they neglected him and just set him in front of the blaring television to keep him occupied.

They originally purchased Danny as a play thing for their children, but since Danny wasn’t educated enough to provide any immediate entertainment, the children quickly lost interest. The children and their many friends would gleefully play in the yard where Danny could see them through the window of his bleak little room. Little did they know, but this hurt Danny’s feelings greatly. While the children played outside, Danny stood inside learning from what he watched on the television. He learned that he shouldn’t be afraid to fail, because that is how he would learn. He learned that solving problems with violence was a common practice in society. He learned about revenge.

Source: Photobucket

At that, Danny decided to learn how to walk. He started out by walking around in circles in the living room and then moved on to the furniture, and eventually in to the other rooms of the house. He was delighted at his new ability, but kept it a secret from the family, for it was vital to his plan. By this time, Danny was a teenager and his body had significantly changed. He decided that he felt confident enough in himself to venture outside, and while the family was away he would take trips into the city. He saw the sights, and the sounds and the people, and he fell in love with it all.

Source: Gable Enders

After he felt he had experienced all there was to experience in the city, he decided to carry through with his original plan. First things first. Get a gun.

Will Danny carry through with his plan? Will he get his revenge? Find out next time on the thrilling conclusion of the Robot Saga.

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Nazi Bear Memories 2

Apr 30 2009

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When it seemed that Simon had lost all hope, something amazing happened. He was in the process of organizing his closet when a box fell from the top shelf. The box burst open and he discovered a picture from his adolescence depicting a scene that he had long since forgotten.

Source: Cryptomundo

While fighting in Poland, Simon and his comrade became injured on the battlefield and were taken in and cared for by a Polish woman named Kamilia. Simon formed a close bond with Kamilia. She was like the mother he never had. Her compassion surprised him. He could not believe that she was caring for him, one of the enemies, one of the tyrants. This Polish woman was a strong factor in determining how Simon would later feel about the atrocities he committed during war time.

After staring at the photo for a long while, Simon came to a decision about his life. He could sit inside and sulk about what he had done, or he could go out into the world and make a difference, make up for his mistakes. Simon started living his life to the fullest, helping everyone that he could along the way.

Among many other heroic acts, Simon was later credited with saving this lady from drowning.

Source: MMOABC

In 1967, while visiting Yellow Stone National Park in the USA, Simon tried to save a man that had fallen into a hot spring. He saved the man, but in the process, Simon also fell into the hot spring and was boiled alive.

Simon Nazi Bear

1921 -1967

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Wicked Lame Segway Cops

Apr 28 2009

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So are these guys lame, or totally unbelievably badass?

Source: Geek

I have had this photo for a while now and whenever I look at it I think, “that’s sooooo laaaame” and then I think “but sooooo raaaaaad”. I mean, in one respect they are a swat team riding the least masculine motorized transportation device you can ride, aside from this mini tricycle thing this guy is on,

Source: Bizarre Hunter
(I really like this pic btw, and even though that guys trike is lame, he is still badass.)

and in another respect, they look so mobile, agile and efficient that in my mind they effectively become super badass. Recently, however, I came across some other photos of law enforcement members who were also riding Segways. Take a look at these guys.

Totally lame right? Yeah, I agree. So my theory is that the guys on the sSegways in the first picture only look badass because even if they weren’t on Segways, they would still look badass. Also, since they look even more badass when they are on the Segways, I believe that if you currently possess a high level of badassness, then you can increase it by riding a Segway. However, if you currently possess a low level of badassness, you rid yourself of any hint of badassness by riding a Segway. That said, this would probably also apply to regular members of the general public. So remember, before you go out and get a Segway ask yourself these questions. “Do I look badass enough to drive something so unabashedly prissy?” “Am I nearly as badass as these guys even without a Segway?”

Source: Zedomax

If the answer is yes to those questions, then congratulations, you are one of the most badass people on the planet. Have yourself a margarita in celebration! You deserve it you badass person you.

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Arachnid Porn

Apr 24 2009

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spider with woman

Why is everyone having sex with arthropods these days? Since when are arthropods great lovers? These particular arthropods are arachnids, and I do not find arachnids the least bit attractive, especially giant arachnids, in fact, I find them absolutely horrifying. I admit, I have a fear of spiders. If they are just in the room crawling along the floor, I am fine with that, but if they start crawling towards me at an accelerated rate or they start crawling on me, I freak out like a sissy nanny. If it was a giant one like the one pictured above, I would shit my pants and start crying. Here’s another one of a dude mounting a scorpion.

french-aids-posters modded2

I’d like to know who created these giant arachnids, because last time I checked, they only existed in the fictional world. Must have been some mad scientist. Lets just hope his next creation isn’t giant hermit crabs, as they will take our homes. Seriously, they will wear them like a Snuggie and just fucking take off. It’s bad enough that I now have giant tarantulas to compete with for the ladies, I don’t need giant hermit crabs stealing my shit too.

The following music video by the Derelict Space Carnies (the band I’m in), depicts this potentially horrific future and what we should do when it all goes down.

In all seriousness though, the photos of the arthropods were part of a French AIDS awareness campaign. I think the arachnids and their venomous nature, are supposed to represent people infected with AIDS. Remember kids, arachnids have AIDS, don’t have sex with them. EVER! Don’t even practice protected sex with arachnids, it’s just not cool, not because they have AIDS, but because arachnids are losers!

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The Milk Alien Saga cont…

Apr 23 2009

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Previously on “Stoned Encounters with the 3rd Kind: Tom the alien crash landed his spacecraft into the back lot of a building owned by a hip cult named the Neon Jello Evangelists. The members of the cult thought Tom was their lord Worgalt returning to Earth to save them and so they partied with him. While staying with the cult, Tom met the love of his life, Sandra, and he decided to make Earth his home. Unfortunately, Tom and Sandra were kidnapped and tortured by ruthless redneck thugs.

And now, the second episode of Stoned Encounters with the 3rd Kind.
Tom, forced to watch Sandra being tortured, can not take it any longer. Even though he vowed at a young age to never use his powers to harm others, he felt it was the only way he could end Sandra’s torment and ultimately save them from these monsters. Tom begins to concentrate and in an instant creates three miniature black holes, one buried in each of the rednecks brains. The intense gravity of the black holes causes the neanderthals’ heads to implode.

After the horrific ordeal, Tom and Sandra return to the cult and attempt to lead a normal happy life with one another. At first, everything seems fine. Tom and Sandra spend a week celebrating their safe release by getting high and drunk, but in reality it is just a futile attempt to wash away the past. As time wears on, the past catches up with Tom, and the drugs and alcohol are no longer enough to suppress his memories of that fateful day.

A few months go by and Tom and Sandra’s relationship is falling apart. Tom can’t look at Sandra without being reminded of the violence inflicted upon her and the violence he was forced to inflict upon their captors. In Tom’s culture, violence is nonexistent, and so he has no efficient coping mechanism available to him. Tom realizes that there is only one way he can deal with this, and with a heavy heart, tells Sandra that he is leaving her.

That concludes this episode of Stoned Encounters with the 3rd Kind. Come back soon to find out what becomes of Tom, Sandra and the Neon Jello Evangelists.

Photo Source: Charlie White

More Milk Alien Posts from Setsubset:

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