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More Like Rotten Fauxmatoes

Feb 04 2013

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What is this horseshit? I found this while looking for a new movie to watch. The strangest part about it is that it doesn’t appear to be a glitch. If you follow the links to each of the reviews, this guy Rich Cline wrote two completely different reviews with different ratings for the same movie. He must be getting paid by both sites to write unique content, but surely his rating doesn’t need to change.


Rotten Tomatoes Page

Rich Cline Review #1

Rich Cline Review #2

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Dora Must Be Punished!

Jan 23 2011

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A friend recently brought it to my attention that there exists a Dora the Explorer pinata. Who in their right mind actually thought this was a good idea? It seems to be a hit at childrens parties.

Look at the white children hang the Latina child in the backyard and beat her senseless with a stick.

In the picture above the girl on the far right in the yellow looks like she can’t wait for her turn to whack the candy out of Dora. She has this look of satisfaction while watching Dora get beaten. Satisfied, yet full of vengeful anticipation.  

At least they are all learning a vital life lesson. Latina children  contain candy within. Beat them until their insides spill out and then the candy is all yours!

The only question that remains is….what are these two up to?

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Corporate Photoshop Fun 2

Dec 18 2010

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It’s time again to have fun in Photoshop with stock corporate photos. Without further ado, here are my creations.

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The Burnt Chair Family

Dec 08 2010

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I came across this photo some time ago. I found it quite funny but also very intriguing.  Introducing the burnt chair family.

The father looks to be the only one that is happy about this family moment. The children look to be mostly apathetic and the one bald little guy on the right with the ripped pants seems to be unimpressed. As I looked closer at this photo I realized there may be something written in the ash on the back of the chair.

I took the photo into Photoshop and had my way with it, if you know what I mean. I did some inverting and highlighting and adjustments and all that fancy Photoshop stuff people do and at the time this was the best I could come up with. I may have added some letters for dramatic effect.

Yup, that’s what my huge brain came up with. These guys love to mix flame retardant resin and then use it to write  messages on things that they will burn. I’ve done something similar actually, but the inverse. Some friends and I poured some methyl hydrate on a sign so it would spell something out in fire. It didn’t work. 
Anyway, recently I revisited this photo and realized that it more than likely does not say, “WE LOVE TO MIX RESIN” but rather “WE LOVE YOU ROSE”. I have a feeling that this chair belonged to Rose, possibly a family member, who recently moved out. The father you see smiling in the photo hated Rose’s chair, but Rose refused to get rid of it. Once Rose left, the old man decided to get rid of it once and for all, but not without a little departing message for Rose. 
My dad did something similar with a couch I was storing in his garage. He couldn’t stand having it in his garage taking up space, but I refused to get rid of it because it was the greatest couch of all time. So soft and so comfortable. I really loved this couch. I went away for the summer and my dad threw it in the dump. It was one of the greatest losses of my life. As such, I wrote a letter to the company that made the couch to tell them my sob story in hopes that they might replace my couch or give me a significant discount. Here is the letter:

Urban Barn HeadOffice
1550 Brigantine Drive
Coquitlam, B.C. V3K 7C1
To Whom It May Concern:

Hello, my name is Richard Bergeron and I hope you can help me out. When I wasliving in British Columbia a couple years ago, I purchased an Urban Barn sofa.It was the Flip Sofa-Chaise and I absolutely loved it. I spent a number ofmonths searching for the perfect sofa for my place and this one was by far thebest. It was so incredibly comfortable; I used to fall asleep on it on aregular basis. The cushions were so soft and comfy and the sofa’s designprovided optimal comfort even with multiple people on the sofa. My friends andI used to fight over who would get to lay on the chaise portion during a movie.I also loved the way the sofa looked. It was so elegant, luxurious and stylish.I really did love this sofa.
Unfortunately, a cat did notfeel the same way about it and decided to use it as a scratching post. All fourcorners of the sofa became severely damaged as a result. After that, I was laidoff from my job and was forced to move back in with my parents for a while. Assuch, I stored my sofa in my dad’s garage. During this time, I found a new jobthat required me to travel to Manitoba for the summer, but sadly, I was unableto bring my sofa with me. Meanwhile, my dad was becoming irritated with havingto store my ripped up sofa in his garage because he needed the space for all ofhis hunting gear. So while I was away trying to make ends meet so I couldafford a place to once again house my beloved sofa, my dad decided to take mysofa to the dump. He just tossed the most amazing sofa ever into the trash! Icouldn’t believe it. I was heart broken to say the least. I truly do miss thatsofa.

So now here I am, a few months later, about to move into a new apartment inWinnipeg, Manitoba and what do you know, I need to buy a sofa. Not just anysofa though, a Flip Sofa-Chaise. I need this sofa. After owning such an amazingsofa no other sofa will compare. The problem is I cannot afford the high pricetag on your sofa. It is beyond my means. If there is anything you can do tohelp me towards once again being able to have the most amazing sofa in theworld, I would forever be in your debt.


Richard Bergeron

A Sofa Enthusiast

The Following is an excerpt from a book that Irecently read:
‘The sofa was perfect for sleeping. Not too soft,not too hard; even the cushions pillowed my head just right. I’ve slept on alot of sofas, and let me tell you, the comfortable ones are few and farbetween.
Typically, they’re cheap dead weight. I neverunderstand how people can be lax about choosing sofas.
I always say…you can tell a lot about a person’scharacter from his choice of sofa…. Procuring a good sofa … requires styleand experience and philosophy. It takes money, yes, but you also need a visionof the superior sofa.
That sofa among sofas.’

Haruki Murakami -Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World

A few weeks later, I received a call from the president of Urban Barn informing me that I was entitled to 10% off at all Urban Barn stores. I honestly did not expect to even hear from them. It was just something I thought would be fun to write. Unfortunately 10% was not nearly enough of a reduction considering my economic situation at the time, but I still do appreciate the offer they made. Thanks Urban Barn. Below is the only photo of my beloved sofa know to exist.
“The Greatest Sofa Of All Time”
I miss you.

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Babies For Sale!

Nov 15 2010

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If at this store….

…you buy toys.

Then logic follows that at this store….

…you buy babies. Thank you and goodnight!

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ANOUNCEMENT: Mind Control Girl on the Loose!

Oct 26 2010

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This is Mind Control Girl. Whatever you do, don’t stare directly into her eyes. She will gain complete control over your mind in nearly the instant that your eyes lock with hers. Once she has control, she will never let go. You will become her puppet. I hear it feels sort of like being anally raped.  She makes people do bizarre things that they would not normally do for her own childish amusement. Here is what happened to one of her victims!

This is Frank. He hates rainbows. Poor Frank.

The mind control girl has an accomplice as well. Not of his own free will of course. He is none other than Bumble Bee Barf Bucket Boy, and his mind is being directed by Mind Control Girl. He may seem harmless, but if you get too close, he starts barfing in that bucket and once he starts he can’t stop. The barf covers the floor of the room within a matter of seconds and you become stuck in it. That’s when mind control girl shows up and forces you to look into her eyes and ensnare yet another victim. Also, the barf smells really bad which also sucks. Take a look at another one of Mind Control Girl’s victims.

This is Cynthia. She hates snails. Poor Cynthia.

This has been an NJE warning about Mind Control Girl and her accomplice Bumble Bee Barf Bucket Boy. If you see either of them, stay as far away from them as you can and contact the appropriate authorities immediately. Thank you, and goodnight.

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Silly Nazis 3

Apr 04 2010

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“Dieter! Dieter! Call me your little munchkin! Tell me I am growing up too fast! Please Dieter? Please?”

The really interesting part about this photo is there is a man doing a hand stand in the background. It makes me wonder. Was this a well staged photo, or was it just a snap shot of a portion of a chaotic silly scene?. Are there other Nazis doing other silly things off camera? I imagine a circus like atmosphere.

 Every Tuesday afternoon the Nazis would play a game of charades. Here we see Klaus acting out the taking  of the Russian capitol of Ukraine-Kiev. Unfortunately, despite his accurate depiction of the event, his use of props disqualified him and he ended up losing the game.

The losers of said game had to eat a spoonful of local Russian capitol residents tears. A sour bitter taste.

Even Nazis have to poo sometimes.
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Greatest Album Covers Ever!

Nov 15 2009

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Every once in a while an artist comes out with an album cover that puts most other album covers to shame. Well, today is your lucky day, as I have gathered together a few of these works of art for your viewing pleasure.

What a great album cover. It reads “THANK YOU FOR THE DOVE”. You’re welcome Mr. Adkins but I did not give you a dove. How perplexing. Stop being so silly Mike, if that is your real name.

So I enjoyed these album covers so much that I felt the need to become a part of them. So I photoshopped my face into them. Check it out!

Yeah, I like it too. I’m pretty awesome at handling doves as you can see from the photo above. I would like to thank whoever gave me that dove. You are a great human. Thanks for the dove dude. Onto the next album cover.

In case anyone was not aware, Ken is by request only. The other day I tried to put Ken on my playlist, wouldn’t let me. Request only. That’s just how Ken rolls, and I respect him for it, I really do, but come on Ken, Request only? Seriously? Ever since you grew that mustache, the power has gone straight to your head.

Now prepare yourself, for Richard Bergeron will assume the role of Ken in a flash of photo editing magic.

What’s that you ask? Why does it still say by request only even though I just gave Ken the 3rd degree over that? Well, it’s the album title and I respect Ken too much to change it. If I didn’t respect Ken so much, I would change it to “not just by request anymore”, but I do respect Ken, a lot, and so it will remain by request only. In any case, its time to move onto another masterpiece.

Orion is back on top with his new album, Reborn. I never lost faith in Orion, not even when he started wearing that ridiculous mask. I told him, I said, “Orion, when you wear that mask, I can’t take you seriously. Also, it makes me want to punch you in the face, but I’ll be damned if you don’t top the charts next month!” Suffice it to say, he kept wearing the mask, and boy did it pay off. Congrats Orion, you earned it!

Now again, I will assume the roll of Orion. Prepare yourself!

If you look closely you can see that I have decided to go with snowboarding goggles instead of a mask. I just wanted to do my own thing, you know? Be my own man. I also wanted to avoid face punches, but that is pretty much negligible.

Maybe one day in the distant future, I will not have to post my face into someone elses album cover, but rather I will be featured on the album cover with my band mates. I foresee this cover involving bubbles. A bubble party so to speak. It will be grand.

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Corporate Photoshop Fun

Nov 14 2009

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Have you ever visited the web site of some kind of business or corporation and they have these photos displaying their happy diverse corporate team such as the following:

Well, I was bored the last couple days, so I decided to have some fun in photoshop with corporate photos. Enjoy!

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The Robot Saga Cont….

Nov 12 2009

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Previously on the Robot Saga: Danny was an uneducated child robot purchased by an unloving family. The family neglected Danny and taught him nothing, instead placing him in front of a blaring television to keep him occupied. He learned from the tv and in his lonely little tv room he plotted out his revenge against the family that put him there.

And now the thrilling conclusion to the Robot Saga.

Danny went to a local gun shop and purchased himself a hand gun. He would stand in front of the mirror for hours holding the gun in a menacing fashion imagining the moment of his sweet revenge.

Source: Geekologie

How sweet it would be he thought. He had it all planned out. On Friday November 13th the family would be throwing a birthday party for the son. The party was to be held in the backyard and the parents had rented one of those inflatable bounce-o-rama things. Once the children and their friends were all playing on the bounce-o-rama, Danny would make his move.

Friday came quickly. The bounce-o-rama was being inflated in the back while Danny anxiously paced back in forth in front of the television. Soon he thought, soon they will know my pain. Once the bounce-o-rama was fully inflated, the kids began to filter outside. Danny couldn’t wait any longer and ran outside in a fit of rage.

Danny killed them all.

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