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ANOUNCEMENT: Mind Control Girl on the Loose!

Oct 26 2010

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This is Mind Control Girl. Whatever you do, don’t stare directly into her eyes. She will gain complete control over your mind in nearly the instant that your eyes lock with hers. Once she has control, she will never let go. You will become her puppet. I hear it feels sort of like being anally raped.  She makes people do bizarre things that they would not normally do for her own childish amusement. Here is what happened to one of her victims!

This is Frank. He hates rainbows. Poor Frank.

The mind control girl has an accomplice as well. Not of his own free will of course. He is none other than Bumble Bee Barf Bucket Boy, and his mind is being directed by Mind Control Girl. He may seem harmless, but if you get too close, he starts barfing in that bucket and once he starts he can’t stop. The barf covers the floor of the room within a matter of seconds and you become stuck in it. That’s when mind control girl shows up and forces you to look into her eyes and ensnare yet another victim. Also, the barf smells really bad which also sucks. Take a look at another one of Mind Control Girl’s victims.

This is Cynthia. She hates snails. Poor Cynthia.

This has been an NJE warning about Mind Control Girl and her accomplice Bumble Bee Barf Bucket Boy. If you see either of them, stay as far away from them as you can and contact the appropriate authorities immediately. Thank you, and goodnight.

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the lazy shit

Jul 28 2010

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dear readers my name is the blue bonnet boxcar hornet

i am taking over this blog for that neon bloody brain dude just lazy. like i mean lazy like i mean he is so fricken lazy he is just sitting there right now figuring out which hole to pick. he keeps saying butt or nose, butt or nose…i can’t stand it

so i doubt you people want to chance your bookmark so i have taken over your blog

so hear we go, quality reading

today we will talk about how to skin a rabbit and wear it’s skin over your head
for really, we will all have to do this soon as the ozone layer becomes pure nothing but universe. (is the universe pure nothing? or is it just prunes? i often wonder this)

anyways.

what the fuck why is this person cherry asking me to chat! i don’t want to fucken chat with you! my name is not larry! i am not even hairy!

fucken people

anyways back to how to fuck a goat

i mean how to skin a rabbit.

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Juicy Tales of Malo

Jul 18 2010

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A coworker and I have come to the conclusion that we are the keepers of the camper beasts. Large fifth wheels and RV’s are actually giant monsters that can morph into camping units. People are the slaves of these camper monsters and in the hottest months of the year, the camper monsters force their slaves to bring them to a campground. It is here that they can communicate telepathically with one another. Our role, as park rangers, is to ensure that the campground is quiet after 11pm. Camper monsters can only form a secure telepathic link in complete silence.

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Abandoned Prison

Jan 19 2010

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Hello my legions of loyal followers and passerby folk alike. I have not posted on this blog in quite some time due to some unexplainable aversion to blogging. I think it’s a viral thing. I will call it blogaphobia. With a little bit of help from my friends, I decided it was time to overcome my fear of this blog and write some sort of post for it. So here it is.

On Christmas day my brother-in-law and I were very bored, so he suggested we make a visit to the local abandoned prison. This is what we saw.

 

It was very dark and my phone doesn’t have a flash on the camera so the lighting is entirely from a small flashlight rendering the photo into a state of crappiness. Above we see some of the artwork that the prisoners did in the art room. My personal favorite is the terradactyl which is entirely due to the shear number of razor sharp teeth in it’s beak. Look at all those teeth!

The following are some pictures of the interior of the cells. These are inscriptions made by the prisoners on their beds. I believe this was a minimum security prison so somehow they were able to sneak carving tools into their cells, possibly from the art room. Take a look.

 There were a number of outbuildings including a church, wood shop and mechanics shop. Inside the mechanics shop there were some paintings done on the walls of various autos by some car enthusiast artistic prisoner.

 
 
 

 While searching deeper into the prison, we found a number of cells that appeared to be solitary confinement.

Within one of the cells, we made a frightening discovery. 

An angry inmate left behind. He tried to grab at us and begged for food and such, but we were well aware that those in solitary confinement are not afforded such luxuries.

Now that you have seen these lovely photos and taken this tour with me, you too can say:

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Im an Interprovincial Terrorist!

Dec 23 2009

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I recently flew half way across Canada to visit with family and friends. I would like to share with you some of my experiences before and during my plane ride.

I arrived at the airport in Winnipeg with most of my belongings stuffed inside two small back packs. I don’t have a suitcase and couldn’t really fill one anyway. I had to check one of my bags because I had placed shampoo in the bag, and everyone knows that shampoo and in-flight cookies are a recipe for disaster.

I brought the other bag with me and proceeded to security. I do not often walk through metal detectors so whenever I do, I start to act awkwardly and it probably looks like I’m guilty of something. When I walked through the detector in an entirely suspicious manner it started beeping and I was like “What the Eff?” Not out loud though, just in my brain. The lady that was in charge of the detector instructed me to take off my belt and then she proceeded to wave her magic metal detecting wand over my body and it detected something on my hip. I was certain there was no metal objects at my hip, and so I started to question as to whether I had forgotten about some hip replacement surgery I had received in the past. The magic wand lady was unable to perform a physical search of me because of my male body so she had to call over some of her male goons to assist her. They proceeded to pat down my body. It looked something like this.

I am the intergalactic time traveller in the middle with the sweet helmet. While I was being defiled, I noticed that my back pack and other belongings had made their way through the magic scanning device and were promptly set aside by a man holding a different strange magic wand. Once the goons finished searching my body I walked over to my belongings and the man in charge of them said, “Sir, I have to test this bag.” He then used his magic testing wand, which had a nice soft end, and defiled my bag with it around the zipper areas. I asked him what he was searching for and he said “Trace chemicals that may pose a risk to airline safety.” After he completed the swabbing he placed the magic wand under the magic chemical detection device that apparently told him that I was free to go. Lucky for me, they did not find my back pack bomb.

After being set loose through the gates into the circus that is the Winnipeg airport terminal, I eventually boarded my plane. I was fortunate enough to get a middle seat in between two colourful characters. The guy in the window seat was terrified of flying and fidgeted madly throughout the entire flight. His eyes were blood shot and he looked like an anxious mess. The guy in the isle seat; however, decided to indulge in some in-flight alcoholic beverages and took solace in window guy’s fear of flying. During turbulence, he woudl turn to me every so often make comments loud enough for window seat guy to hear in an attempt to scare him. At one point he said, “Once we hit that turbulence, we are going to drop like a rock, hahaha” and at another point, “Guess they let  the new guy fly the plane for a bit, hope they don’t let him land it hahahaha.” Meanwhile terrified window seat guy had his head down while clutching the back of the seat in front of him. At times he would frantically look out the window. Maybe he saw a gremlin on the wing like John Lithgow in the Twilight Zone movie.
He looked to be in a similar state as Mr. Lithgow. In the end, we landed safely and everything was fine. Although my next flight was delayed and I got another middle seat wedged between two more dudes, but they weren’t so colourful this time. Total bummer.
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Milk Alien Saga: Part 4

Dec 12 2009

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Previously on “Stoned Encounters with the 3rd Kind” Tom the alien crash landed into the back lot of a cult named the Neon Jello Evangelists and was mistakenly deemed their leader. Tom fell in love with Sandra, but it was short-lived for they were kidnapped by ruthless redneck thugs. Tom couldn’t deal with the memories of the ordeal and left Sandra. He began to live the high life partying it up and had an affair with Barry’s wife. Barry came home to find his wife in bed with Tom and Barry became enraged.

And now the thrilling conclusion to “Stoned Encounters with the 3rd Kind”;

Barry grabs Tom and before he can use his powers to defend himself, Barry violently smashes Tom’s head into the headboard. He continues to bash his head until Tom stops moving. Barry, still enraged, throws Tom’s limp body onto the floor. He places his foot on Tom’s torso and begins to tear off his limbs one by one. He grabs the pile of bloodied limbs and carries them outside to throw them into the courtyard of the colony.

At this point the attendees of the aforementioned party  are just beginning to filter out into the court yard. To their dismay, they witness Barry tossing the pieces of their once whole leader into the courtyard lawn. At first, the crowds reaction is one of complete horror, but then one of the onlookers shouts out, “The great leader’s limbs still hold his power within them!” After a few seconds of confusion and thought processing, suddenly the members of the Neon Jello Evangelists collectively rush for the limbs like a deal hungry crowd unleashed through the doors at Walmart on Black Friday. They trample over each other praying to grab one of their leaders limbs with the hopes that the power possessed within the limb will be bestowed upon its owner. Those that are unable to obtain a limb feverishly barge into Barry and Lisa’s home and rip apart what is left of Tom’s torso and head.The scene could be described as pathetic at best.
A few days after the incident, the Neon Jello Evangelists decide that they must elect a new leader; however, there is no clear choice. After much debate they come to a consensus that those in possession of Tom’s body parts will be elected as members of a high council. This council will oversee and determine the course of all actions within the colony.
 Now a society that once enjoyed a lack of social discrimination based on class structure, became quite the opposite. The egos of those members who possessed one of the former leaders body parts became quite engorged. They walked around with their nose in the air to those who didn’t possess one and much like a lucky rabbits foot, they always carried their alien body part with them. This was not only because it was a status symbol, but also because they knew that any other NJE with two feet and a heartbeat would do anything to get their hands on one of the prized body parts, so an unattended body part was akin to asking for it to be stolen.
The non-possession group, as they were called, started holding secret meetings to discuss plans to over throw the possessors, but before they could carry out their plans, something unimaginable happened.
Tom’s limbs and other body parts, although seemingly inanimate objects, began to take on a life of their own. The possessors were unable to contain the physical power of the alien parts.
Little did they know,  a ship from Tom’s home world had quietly positioned itself over the colony in the middle of the night.
They had come back for Tom.
The ship let loose an array of what appeared to be streams of bright white light. Tom’s body parts leaped up from their motionless state and parted company with their captors. All of the various pieces gathered together in the center of the courtyard under the ship. In a great blast of the light, the parts fused together to take the form of Tom once again.
The NJE’s looked on in astonishment at what they were witnessing. Tom slowly floated up into the ship and as he did he gave the entire group the finger. Before the ship left to return to Tom’s home world, Tom instructed the ship’s captain to nuke the site from orbit. As Tom watched the nuclear blast decimate the colony that he once loved, he whispered under his breath, “Goodbye, and good riddance!”
THE END
 Photo Sources: Charlie White

 

More Milk Alien Posts from Setsubset:

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Introducing Kyle Towelwipes

Dec 07 2009

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This is Kyle Towelwipes. Well, his name isn’t actually Kyle Towelwipes, he was formally known as Usuiituk which when roughly translated to English means “has no penis”.  I will fill you in later on how Usuiituk came to be know as Kyle Towelwipes, but first lets take a look at Kyle Towelwipes childhood shall we.

Kyle Towelwipes grew up in a northern region of the territory known as Nunavut in the Canadian Arctic. His family
would kill seals for many purposes and he understood the need to kill the seals for survival, but he also felt pity for the seals. As such, he secretly befriended one particular seal and spent his childhood protecting it from his family. Kyle decided to name the seal “Seal”. This way if Kyle ever slipped up and mentioned his name around his family, they would pass it off as if Kyle was asking for food or blankets.  So everyday in the afternoon, once all of Kyle’s chores were done, he would run off to go play with Seal. Kyle would always dress Seal up in silly costumes. A Canadian journalist doing a piece on the Inuit culture caught some images of Kyle and Seal playing dress up. Take a look.

This was the pirate costume that Kyle made for Seal. Seal would often get consumed by the character that he dressed up as and would pretend as if he really was the character and not just a lousy old harp seal.

Here we see one of Seals favorite costumes, the gender identity crisis hooker. Kyle Towelwipes took great care in making this costume and was very proud of the final result. Seal was quite oblivious to the fact that the costume signified Kyle’s struggle with identifying his gender.

This is one of the stranger costumes that Kyle made for Seal. I believe it is a crow or raven. As you can see from the picture, Seal was a tad bit shy wearing the Crow costume and tried to escape the cameras view. Since he was such an old harp seal, he was not quick enough to fully run away before the photo was taken.
The last costume that Kyle Towelwipes ever made for Seal was the Douchebag. Seal became completely immersed in the character that he associated with the costume and decided that he would continue to wear the costume and play the role of the Douchebag.
Once the Canadian journalist finished his piece on the Inuit culture, he packed his equipment into the cargo hold of his plane, but little did he know,Kyle Towelwipes had stowed away in that cargo area of the plane along with his pal Seal the harp seal. When they arrived in the big city, Seal got taken away with the lights and the music and ran off to be a singing douchebag. Kyle however was disgusted by the city and the idea of so many humans clustered together in such a small area. He saw every surface as potentially evil in terms of what untold vast amounts of bacteria it might hold. As such, Kyle invented the Towel Wipe, and for marketing purposes changed his name from Usuiituk (has no penis) to Kyle Towelwipes (Kyle Towelwipes). Kyle and Seal both became rich and famous and lived out the rest of their lives in complete and utter happiness.

THE END

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The Furries

Dec 04 2009

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I have had this picture in my “collection of bizarre pictures that I might write about some day” for quite some time. In the photo we see a family showcasing their anatomically correct furry jumpsuits. I have a feeling that this whole thing was Mom’s idea. She has a look on her face that says “I have created something so revolutionary, this will change sexual education forever!”. You know that smug revolutionist look? Yeah, you know the one. If you are unaware of this look, it’s right there in the picture on her face.

Moving on to other aspects of the photo, we can see the daughter is handling the father’s jumpsuit penis. There is a multitude of comments that could be made about this, but I think I will just point it out and leave it at that. OMG SHE’S TOUCHING HIS J.S.P.! Okay, that is all I will say about that. No more. I bet all of you are wondering though, is that right? Is there something illegal going on in this photo? I’m not really sure. What do you think?

I like how they are all wearing footwear while in their jumpsuits. Makes me think of crazy naked people running around outside in shoes only. I see that all the time lately. I think it is something the kids are doing these days. Crazy kids.

Photo Source: Visualize Us
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Insurance Fraud

Dec 01 2009

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Recently while wandering the streets of Winnipeg, I noticed a trend among insurance advertisements. They mostly depict families or friends frolicking in a lush green grassy environment happy as can be. Try doing a Google image search of “life insurance” and you will see what I’m talking about. They look something like this:

After noticing this trend I decided that it might be fun to use Photoshop to show what’s really on the minds of these fun loving happily insured people. Take a look.

Grandpa is happy because he just got life insurance. Little Josephine is even happier because she just found out that she is listed as one of Grandpa’s beneficiaries.

Josephine may be weak, but her determination makes her strong and she is driven by her goals.
Jennifer and her husband just got life insurance. She now feels secure despite his high blood pressure and poor heart condition. As a result, she took him on a hike up and down some giant grassy knolls.

Her husband had a heart attack and died during the walk. How could she have known that a simple nature walk would turn into such cause for celebration.

The Wilkinson’s just purchased life insurance for all of their children. What a glorious day.
 
They can only hope that the children don’t have an “accident” and “fall” into a deadly bubbling cauldron of awful.
 
Chad just got his sweet ride insured and his lady friends are super stoked about it. In celebration they drove out to this field and dropped some acid.
 
Chad’s exact words to the insurance agency were “It’s not my fault! A monkey riding a bull came out of nowhere and totally smashed into my car!”
 
 Little Toby’s parents died when he was a young age, and so Grandpa became his legal guardian. Grandpa just purchased life insurance for little Toby.
Now Grandpa doesn’t feel so bad about losing little Toby to Jareth the Goblin King aka David Bowie.
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MY Winnipeg

Nov 18 2009

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I recently moved to Winnipeg, Manitoba and decided that I would take in the sights of the city. I ventured out on foot into the heart of Winnipeg with my camera at my side. This is what I saw.

 

The lone shoe. I spotted this shoe lying in the dirt beside a bus stop and decided to document it. After taking this photo, I realized that I see a lot of lost shoes strewn about all over the place, but I never actually see a pair of shoes together. Its always one shoe Vasily, one shoe only. This made me wonder as to the reason behind this and the only logical explanation I could think of is tiny inter-dimensional worm holes on the display wall in shoes stores located in other dimensions. That, or drunks stumbling around in the dark, but I tend to lean towards the former. Lets take a closer look in attempt to try to solve this mystery.
I think it’s an Addidas shoe and it looks like someone got considerable use out of it before losing it. I guess that throws the worm hole theory straight out the window for this particular shoe. How depressing.

The following photo; however, can only be explained by drunks in the dark.


That there is a dirty sock in the Shoppers Drug Mart parking lot. At first I had this thought that maybe this is where all the socks end up that go missing from the dryer, but upon closer inspection, I realized that this sock is fairly dirty and so that theory went straight out the window as well. Here is a closer look at the sock and it’s associated dirtiness.


I think someone may have used this sock in place of toilet paper and I think they ate Chinese food.

Well, that was about the extent of what I found on my walk in Winnipeg. Well, actually, there was one more thing that I saw that I found fairly peculiar, but I quickly figured it out after thinking about it for 2 seconds. Maybe you can figure it out too. There was a sign that someone posted on a telephone pole. Take a look.


It reads, “info on my where abouts, plz call” and then there are some telephone numbers which I have blurred out. At first I thought it was pretty funny, like a random person had posted a sign with their phone number so that another random person could find this mystery person if they chose to do so. It didn’t make any sense, but then I used my extreme skills of deduction and it became quite obvious what had occurred here. The top of the sign is ripped off so there must have been more information about a lost cat or dog written in the perspective of that lost cat or dog. Something like;


That’s my theory anyway. Anyone else have any other explanations for this mystery sign?

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