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Opportunity Knocks

Mar 23 2012

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Introducing Kyle Towelwipes

Dec 07 2009

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This is Kyle Towelwipes. Well, his name isn’t actually Kyle Towelwipes, he was formally known as Usuiituk which when roughly translated to English means “has no penis”.  I will fill you in later on how Usuiituk came to be know as Kyle Towelwipes, but first lets take a look at Kyle Towelwipes childhood shall we.

Kyle Towelwipes grew up in a northern region of the territory known as Nunavut in the Canadian Arctic. His family
would kill seals for many purposes and he understood the need to kill the seals for survival, but he also felt pity for the seals. As such, he secretly befriended one particular seal and spent his childhood protecting it from his family. Kyle decided to name the seal “Seal”. This way if Kyle ever slipped up and mentioned his name around his family, they would pass it off as if Kyle was asking for food or blankets.  So everyday in the afternoon, once all of Kyle’s chores were done, he would run off to go play with Seal. Kyle would always dress Seal up in silly costumes. A Canadian journalist doing a piece on the Inuit culture caught some images of Kyle and Seal playing dress up. Take a look.

This was the pirate costume that Kyle made for Seal. Seal would often get consumed by the character that he dressed up as and would pretend as if he really was the character and not just a lousy old harp seal.

Here we see one of Seals favorite costumes, the gender identity crisis hooker. Kyle Towelwipes took great care in making this costume and was very proud of the final result. Seal was quite oblivious to the fact that the costume signified Kyle’s struggle with identifying his gender.

This is one of the stranger costumes that Kyle made for Seal. I believe it is a crow or raven. As you can see from the picture, Seal was a tad bit shy wearing the Crow costume and tried to escape the cameras view. Since he was such an old harp seal, he was not quick enough to fully run away before the photo was taken.
The last costume that Kyle Towelwipes ever made for Seal was the Douchebag. Seal became completely immersed in the character that he associated with the costume and decided that he would continue to wear the costume and play the role of the Douchebag.
Once the Canadian journalist finished his piece on the Inuit culture, he packed his equipment into the cargo hold of his plane, but little did he know,Kyle Towelwipes had stowed away in that cargo area of the plane along with his pal Seal the harp seal. When they arrived in the big city, Seal got taken away with the lights and the music and ran off to be a singing douchebag. Kyle however was disgusted by the city and the idea of so many humans clustered together in such a small area. He saw every surface as potentially evil in terms of what untold vast amounts of bacteria it might hold. As such, Kyle invented the Towel Wipe, and for marketing purposes changed his name from Usuiituk (has no penis) to Kyle Towelwipes (Kyle Towelwipes). Kyle and Seal both became rich and famous and lived out the rest of their lives in complete and utter happiness.

THE END

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The Furries

Dec 04 2009

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I have had this picture in my “collection of bizarre pictures that I might write about some day” for quite some time. In the photo we see a family showcasing their anatomically correct furry jumpsuits. I have a feeling that this whole thing was Mom’s idea. She has a look on her face that says “I have created something so revolutionary, this will change sexual education forever!”. You know that smug revolutionist look? Yeah, you know the one. If you are unaware of this look, it’s right there in the picture on her face.

Moving on to other aspects of the photo, we can see the daughter is handling the father’s jumpsuit penis. There is a multitude of comments that could be made about this, but I think I will just point it out and leave it at that. OMG SHE’S TOUCHING HIS J.S.P.! Okay, that is all I will say about that. No more. I bet all of you are wondering though, is that right? Is there something illegal going on in this photo? I’m not really sure. What do you think?

I like how they are all wearing footwear while in their jumpsuits. Makes me think of crazy naked people running around outside in shoes only. I see that all the time lately. I think it is something the kids are doing these days. Crazy kids.

Photo Source: Visualize Us
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Insurance Fraud

Dec 01 2009

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Recently while wandering the streets of Winnipeg, I noticed a trend among insurance advertisements. They mostly depict families or friends frolicking in a lush green grassy environment happy as can be. Try doing a Google image search of “life insurance” and you will see what I’m talking about. They look something like this:

After noticing this trend I decided that it might be fun to use Photoshop to show what’s really on the minds of these fun loving happily insured people. Take a look.

Grandpa is happy because he just got life insurance. Little Josephine is even happier because she just found out that she is listed as one of Grandpa’s beneficiaries.

Josephine may be weak, but her determination makes her strong and she is driven by her goals.
Jennifer and her husband just got life insurance. She now feels secure despite his high blood pressure and poor heart condition. As a result, she took him on a hike up and down some giant grassy knolls.

Her husband had a heart attack and died during the walk. How could she have known that a simple nature walk would turn into such cause for celebration.

The Wilkinson’s just purchased life insurance for all of their children. What a glorious day.
 
They can only hope that the children don’t have an “accident” and “fall” into a deadly bubbling cauldron of awful.
 
Chad just got his sweet ride insured and his lady friends are super stoked about it. In celebration they drove out to this field and dropped some acid.
 
Chad’s exact words to the insurance agency were “It’s not my fault! A monkey riding a bull came out of nowhere and totally smashed into my car!”
 
 Little Toby’s parents died when he was a young age, and so Grandpa became his legal guardian. Grandpa just purchased life insurance for little Toby.
Now Grandpa doesn’t feel so bad about losing little Toby to Jareth the Goblin King aka David Bowie.
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Meat Furniture Warehouse

Nov 23 2009

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Friday, Saturday and Sunday, you can save up 25% on all selected meat furniture at Meat Furniture Warehouse!

This particular chair has a classic shape to it, but the upholstery is far from mundane. The style is exclusive to Meat Furniture Warehouse, from meat furnishing specialist Jana Sterbak. She designs all of her meat furniture with durability in mind while also keeping in mind delicious luxury and comfort.


 Source: Krapsody

And right now if you purchase any 4 or 6 piece bedroom set, we will throw in this beautiful meat mirror designed by none other than the late great Meat Mirror Designer Man or MMDM for short. Apparently one of MMDM’s biggest “fans” got a little bit stabby at a meat furniture art show in March. This meat mirror was MMDM’s last meat furniture masterpiece. May he rest in peace.

Here is another designer piece. This meat chair comes all the way from the other side of the world and is the creation of Italian designer Simone Racheli. That’s a fine looking meat chair, and at 25% off you would have to be crazy not to buy it! You’re not crazy, so why are you just sitting their in your lousy old fabric chair when you could be sitting in a brand new meat chair RIGHT NOW!

Don’t trust those other meat furnishing outlets! Their meat furniture is made on production lines and with old rotten meat unlike our hand made designer meat furniture made with the finest baby seal and fawn meat. If you buy from any other meat furnishing outlet, you are practically throwing your money down the proverbial meat toilet!

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The Milk Alien Saga cont…

Apr 23 2009

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Previously on “Stoned Encounters with the 3rd Kind: Tom the alien crash landed his spacecraft into the back lot of a building owned by a hip cult named the Neon Jello Evangelists. The members of the cult thought Tom was their lord Worgalt returning to Earth to save them and so they partied with him. While staying with the cult, Tom met the love of his life, Sandra, and he decided to make Earth his home. Unfortunately, Tom and Sandra were kidnapped and tortured by ruthless redneck thugs.

And now, the second episode of Stoned Encounters with the 3rd Kind.
Tom, forced to watch Sandra being tortured, can not take it any longer. Even though he vowed at a young age to never use his powers to harm others, he felt it was the only way he could end Sandra’s torment and ultimately save them from these monsters. Tom begins to concentrate and in an instant creates three miniature black holes, one buried in each of the rednecks brains. The intense gravity of the black holes causes the neanderthals’ heads to implode.


After the horrific ordeal, Tom and Sandra return to the cult and attempt to lead a normal happy life with one another. At first, everything seems fine. Tom and Sandra spend a week celebrating their safe release by getting high and drunk, but in reality it is just a futile attempt to wash away the past. As time wears on, the past catches up with Tom, and the drugs and alcohol are no longer enough to suppress his memories of that fateful day.


A few months go by and Tom and Sandra’s relationship is falling apart. Tom can’t look at Sandra without being reminded of the violence inflicted upon her and the violence he was forced to inflict upon their captors. In Tom’s culture, violence is nonexistent, and so he has no efficient coping mechanism available to him. Tom realizes that there is only one way he can deal with this, and with a heavy heart, tells Sandra that he is leaving her.


That concludes this episode of Stoned Encounters with the 3rd Kind. Come back soon to find out what becomes of Tom, Sandra and the Neon Jello Evangelists.

Photo Source: Charlie White
 

More Milk Alien Posts from Setsubset:

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