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Diary of an Unemployed Guy: Entry #2

Dec 02 2012

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It was around 4:30pm on a Tuesday afternoon in November. I was sitting on the golden throne of prosperity, also known as the toilet, when suddenly I realized that I neglected to turn on the exhaust fan upon entering the bathroom. I felt as if this was a necessity considering the rancid smell of what I was creating, but I also felt that venturing to the fan switch mid creation was risky business. I thought to myself, if only I had a broom stick or long object nearby to extend my reach. At that, I emptied the full garbage can beside the toilet which consisted entirely of those cardboard toilet paper roll things. I began folding in the ends of each one and fitting them together to make a giant toilet paper roll stick about 1.5 meters long. Once I had them all pieced together, I looked at my cardboard staff and doubted its rigidity and length would be sufficient to complete its task. I grabbed the end and fully extended my arm. The staff hovered awkwardly around the switch and after a few seconds made contact. I gave it one fell push and the fan came on. Success! Of course by this point, I had finished my poop a good 10 minutes ago, but I was still pretty impressed with myself.

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Diary of a Park Ranger: Guest Entry

Aug 12 2012

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Dear Diary,

Why must technology be so difficult? Can’t the office computers see when fists are shaken at them in anger and stop their freezing nonsense so I can get some work done? Also, why does the crypt keeper insist on asking me for computer assistance, as if I am anymore knowledgeable than she? I wouldn’t even need use of the computers if people were literate. (more…)

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Diary of a Park Ranger: Entry #4

Jul 15 2012

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Dear Diary,

I watched a man almost drown the other day. There was a split second while he was struggling to keep his head above water that I thought I might have to strip off my duty gear stuff and save his stupid ass. Luckily his friends saved him after I yelled at them.  He was a big dude so he probably would have drown me in the process of trying to help him. I hear that is a thing that happens often. Immediately after the near death experience, I started questioning the group about all the empty beer cans in the area. One of the dudes was holding a crushed empty beer can under the water and said that the cans were there when they got there. I then asked him about the can in his hand and he said “What this? Oh, I was just using this as a flotation device”. Clever girl!

(more…)

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Diary of a Park Ranger: Entry #3

Jul 08 2012

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Dear Diary,

Here I am at the gate again. Murray has just left me here to fend for myself. Sometimes I like to imagine that we are living in a post apocalyptic world and the park is a sort of last hope safe haven.  I am the gate keeper and only those who have paid their weight in precious scarce commodities may enter. “Give me all your salt”, I say. If they don’t have salt, I request gasoline, water or food. If they don’t have any of that, entry denied!

(more…)

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Diary of a Park Ranger: Entry #2

Jun 29 2012

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Dear Diary,

I spent the vast majority of the evening sitting at the gate by myself checking the incoming vehicles to the park. There was very little traffic, but most of it consisted of families and seniors heading back from a long night of visiting local friends and relatives. The lack of consistent interruptions gave me some time to ponder on things. While staring out the window at the deluge of insects flying endlessly into the flood light on the exterior of the building, I realized that if all insects were approximately 50 times larger than they are now, the world would be a chaotic and terrifying place.

There are two partially finished plastic water bottles sitting on either side of my laptop as I (more…)

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