Sausage Puppet

Oct 22 2010

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The sausage arms just kind of burst in my mouth as I bit into them. They made that satisfying pop sound as my teeth sank into them. The sausage juice was oily and most definitely hot. As I consumed the sausage puppet’s arms I couldn’t help but eye up the torso. I was told that the sausage torso had an extra type of filling within the delicious sausage casing. This particular filling is not your typical sausage filling. This particular filling was indeed tuna.

 After finishing off the arms, I moved onto the torso. Almost instantly I tasted the tuna. It was so fresh. It was like I was swimming alongside a school of tuna fish in the ocean while taking large mouthfuls out of their sides. I devoured most of the torso quite quickly with no regard for any kind of table manners. Suddenly while consuming the last of the torso, the sausage puppet’s legs caught my eye. They were just lying there, wiggling ever so slightly from my vigorous eating, glistening in the flickering light of my kitchen. I halted my assault on the torso and shifted all of my focus onto the legs. The chef had informed me earlier that a filling so non typical was used in the legs that it would make me weep when I heard it. Salamander meat. I wept alright. I wept like a baby. As I was about to make my first chomp into the sausage legs I thought to myself, I have no idea what salamander meat tastes like and then I thought, why don’t animals wear pants? Salamander pants!I completed my first bite into the sausage legs and from then on in I was like some kind of salamander meat eating beast. As it turns out, salamander meat is really fucking good. I don’t mean that in the way that some brainless high school cheerleader talks about maple walnut icecream she got from Wallgreens. I mean it in the way that a large trucker who’s diet consists solely of meat, potatoes and bread and he has been on the road for 14 days driving cross country with a belly ache because he ate way too much salamander meat at the salamander meat restaurant he found in Moosejaw.  It was when I was licking the sausage juice off the table that I realized I had eaten the sausage legs in their entirety. The speed with which I consumed all of that meat made it sit like a solid brick in my stomach. I was sweating and I started having auditory hallucinations. A voice whispered in my ear “You fool. You ignorant simple minded fool. You wasted all of your stomach space on the appetizers.”  As if coming out of some kind of a disgusting meat induced coma I realized that I forgot about the most important part of the sausage puppet. The main course. The head. How could I forget something so tantalizing. The chef had pulled me aside prior to my meal and warned me about the head. He said it contained a filling that was highly illegal and most definitely dangerous. He wouldn’t say what the filling was, but at the time my imagination ran wild. What could it be? From it’s outward appearance it looked like a regular sausage puppet head. I poked at it with my finger. It was quite solid and rolled slightly from side to side. It seemed pretty heavy judging from my poke. Heavier than just regular sausage filling. I decided that the best course of action would be to just dive in head first and take a bite. At first, my teeth sank into the meat quite easily, but after about an inch of sausage, the descent of my teeth halted abruptly on something hard buried beneath the top layer of sausage. I dug in with my fingers and pulled the meat apart to find a small small hard white shard. I tasted it and knew right away what it was. Ground up haunted elephant knees! My favorite!

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2 Responses to Sausage Puppet

  1. Anonymous says:

    Uhhhhmm maple walnut is like the best eva alright! Your comments are like totally random and hurtful. GAH!


  2. Stacey says:

    omg Claire, you know that the squad decided that our favourite ice cream is Rocky Road. I can't believe you are still going around defending maple walnut. You better cut it out or I'm going to have to report you to the rest of the squad.

    And as for you, neonjelloevangelist, I suggest you stick to writing what you know and don't mention us cheerleaders again.

    – Stacey

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