Introducing Kyle Towelwipes

Dec 07 2009

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This is Kyle Towelwipes. Well, his name isn’t actually Kyle Towelwipes, he was formally known as Usuiituk which when roughly translated to English means “has no penis”.  I will fill you in later on how Usuiituk came to be know as Kyle Towelwipes, but first lets take a look at Kyle Towelwipes childhood shall we.

Kyle Towelwipes grew up in a northern region of the territory known as Nunavut in the Canadian Arctic. His family
would kill seals for many purposes and he understood the need to kill the seals for survival, but he also felt pity for the seals. As such, he secretly befriended one particular seal and spent his childhood protecting it from his family. Kyle decided to name the seal “Seal”. This way if Kyle ever slipped up and mentioned his name around his family, they would pass it off as if Kyle was asking for food or blankets.  So everyday in the afternoon, once all of Kyle’s chores were done, he would run off to go play with Seal. Kyle would always dress Seal up in silly costumes. A Canadian journalist doing a piece on the Inuit culture caught some images of Kyle and Seal playing dress up. Take a look.

This was the pirate costume that Kyle made for Seal. Seal would often get consumed by the character that he dressed up as and would pretend as if he really was the character and not just a lousy old harp seal.

Here we see one of Seals favorite costumes, the gender identity crisis hooker. Kyle Towelwipes took great care in making this costume and was very proud of the final result. Seal was quite oblivious to the fact that the costume signified Kyle’s struggle with identifying his gender.

This is one of the stranger costumes that Kyle made for Seal. I believe it is a crow or raven. As you can see from the picture, Seal was a tad bit shy wearing the Crow costume and tried to escape the cameras view. Since he was such an old harp seal, he was not quick enough to fully run away before the photo was taken.
The last costume that Kyle Towelwipes ever made for Seal was the Douchebag. Seal became completely immersed in the character that he associated with the costume and decided that he would continue to wear the costume and play the role of the Douchebag.
Once the Canadian journalist finished his piece on the Inuit culture, he packed his equipment into the cargo hold of his plane, but little did he know,Kyle Towelwipes had stowed away in that cargo area of the plane along with his pal Seal the harp seal. When they arrived in the big city, Seal got taken away with the lights and the music and ran off to be a singing douchebag. Kyle however was disgusted by the city and the idea of so many humans clustered together in such a small area. He saw every surface as potentially evil in terms of what untold vast amounts of bacteria it might hold. As such, Kyle invented the Towel Wipe, and for marketing purposes changed his name from Usuiituk (has no penis) to Kyle Towelwipes (Kyle Towelwipes). Kyle and Seal both became rich and famous and lived out the rest of their lives in complete and utter happiness.


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2 Responses to Introducing Kyle Towelwipes

  1. Anonymous says:

    I was hoping for more penis, delightful none the less. That seal is a disfigured man, leave the poor disfigured man alone.

    – Screaming Lettuce

  2. Neon Jello Evangelist says:

    I considered adding in more penis stuff, but I got tired of writing and just decided to end it.

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