Im an Interprovincial Terrorist!

Dec 23 2009

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I recently flew half way across Canada to visit with family and friends. I would like to share with you some of my experiences before and during my plane ride.

I arrived at the airport in Winnipeg with most of my belongings stuffed inside two small back packs. I don’t have a suitcase and couldn’t really fill one anyway. I had to check one of my bags because I had placed shampoo in the bag, and everyone knows that shampoo and in-flight cookies are a recipe for disaster.

I brought the other bag with me and proceeded to security. I do not often walk through metal detectors so whenever I do, I start to act awkwardly and it probably looks like I’m guilty of something. When I walked through the detector in an entirely suspicious manner it started beeping and I was like “What the Eff?” Not out loud though, just in my brain. The lady that was in charge of the detector instructed me to take off my belt and then she proceeded to wave her magic metal detecting wand over my body and it detected something on my hip. I was certain there was no metal objects at my hip, and so I started to question as to whether I had forgotten about some hip replacement surgery I had received in the past. The magic wand lady was unable to perform a physical search of me because of my male body so she had to call over some of her male goons to assist her. They proceeded to pat down my body. It looked something like this.

I am the intergalactic time traveller in the middle with the sweet helmet. While I was being defiled, I noticed that my back pack and other belongings had made their way through the magic scanning device and were promptly set aside by a man holding a different strange magic wand. Once the goons finished searching my body I walked over to my belongings and the man in charge of them said, “Sir, I have to test this bag.” He then used his magic testing wand, which had a nice soft end, and defiled my bag with it around the zipper areas. I asked him what he was searching for and he said “Trace chemicals that may pose a risk to airline safety.” After he completed the swabbing he placed the magic wand under the magic chemical detection device that apparently told him that I was free to go. Lucky for me, they did not find my back pack bomb.

After being set loose through the gates into the circus that is the Winnipeg airport terminal, I eventually boarded my plane. I was fortunate enough to get a middle seat in between two colourful characters. The guy in the window seat was terrified of flying and fidgeted madly throughout the entire flight. His eyes were blood shot and he looked like an anxious mess. The guy in the isle seat; however, decided to indulge in some in-flight alcoholic beverages and took solace in window guy’s fear of flying. During turbulence, he woudl turn to me every so often make comments loud enough for window seat guy to hear in an attempt to scare him. At one point he said, “Once we hit that turbulence, we are going to drop like a rock, hahaha” and at another point, “Guess they let  the new guy fly the plane for a bit, hope they don’t let him land it hahahaha.” Meanwhile terrified window seat guy had his head down while clutching the back of the seat in front of him. At times he would frantically look out the window. Maybe he saw a gremlin on the wing like John Lithgow in the Twilight Zone movie.
He looked to be in a similar state as Mr. Lithgow. In the end, we landed safely and everything was fine. Although my next flight was delayed and I got another middle seat wedged between two more dudes, but they weren’t so colourful this time. Total bummer.
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6 Responses to Im an Interprovincial Terrorist!

  1. Anonymous says:

    We were absolutely tickled to read your new post and imagine along with you on your adventure. The holidays bring out the flightiest in people and it seems that you do not disappoint. Good thing you were not the one with the flaming crotch.

    hohoho xoxoxo


  2. Neon Jello Evangelist says:

    Funny you should mention it. My crotch was slightly inflamed during the trip, but the sensation has since subsided. I am glad that you participated in this wondrous journey with me.

  3. ~otto~ says:

    Happy New Decade

    My word verification was "proca"

  4. Angela Lovell says:

    They really shouldn't allow neon jello evango-terrorists to fly! Just wait till the full body scanners are in use – then everyone will know what you had for breakfast.

  5. ACE Soft says:

    Nice blog for new generation

    Kolkata Web Design Company

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