First Aid and Other Ponderings

Nov 28 2010

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I recently participated in a first aid and CPR course. I will now tell you about my experience.

When I first entered the classroom, I noticed that the majority of the leftover seats were sandwiched in between people that were already seated. I scanned the room for attractive females and there were few to be found. I took a seat at the back of the room in between an old grisseled man and a mildly attractive female. Approximately 5 minutes after seating myself, 3 attractive females entered the room. One of said attractive females
sat beside a dashing young indie styled fellow directly in front of me. During small breaks, the two would engage in conversation. He would go on to tell her he is an artist and likes to do volunteer work in his spare time. She would gush over such statements and flick her back and bat her lashes at him. He then went on to inform her that he had a wife that made much more money than himself. She said a few more words and then did not speak to him again for the remainder of the class. She even moved to a different seat after lunch. I guess she wanted him to bone her.


After lunch it was time to do choking baby scenarios. For all of you psychos out there, this is not when we choke babies, but rather when we save babies from choking. They lined us up against the wall as if we were about to be executed. Fortunately, they did not execute us. We were each to be handed a plastic, supposedly realistic, baby doll, but they were short on dolls. When I was handed my baby doll, I realized that it’s arms and legs did not move in a realistic fashion. They moved in a robotized style and did not have joints at the elbows or knees. I then proceeded to make my baby doll dance like a robot. After a short time, a fellow beside me who did not have a doll, abruptly asked,

“What’s the deal here?”

I replied, “oh, just checking out my babies robot dance moves”

The insecure humourless fellow then let out a short nervous laugh and proceeded to look at me like I was insane. I am insane, but I don’t appreciate looks that insinuate so. After striking the baby doll several times on the back and chest, I decided that my baby would most definitely be dead from said blows. I started wondering if I was in a baby killing training class. At one point, the instructor mentioned zombie babies, and that is when my suspicions were confirmed.

After learning zombie baby killing techniques, we sat back down and learned more first aid. The mildly attractive female that sat beside me had a flemmy sounding cough, which made her considerably less attractive. From time to time, I would be handed documents that needed to be passed along to the person beside me. Each time I would pass a document to the mildly attractive female she would say,

“mmmhmm yes, thank you very much”

I found this statement to be the mutterings of someone that is socially inept. She proved herself to be otherwise in a later conversation during a break. I did not interact with her to a high degree as I myself am socially inept. The rest of day one was fairly uneventful so I will skip to day two.

Day 2 was quite different from day 1 of the course. The attendance went from around 20 down to 3 because the majority of the class did not need to get the full standard first aid certification. I must say, the 3 of us were quite a mix-matched rag tag crew. There was an older Caucasian gentleman that had one of those holes in his neck so he could speak. I believe it is called a tracheotomy but I’m not entirely positive. He still smoked and would take his smoke breaks whenever he pleased. At one point the instructor said, “you know smoking is bad for you right?” I thought it was a funny joke. The smoking man did not. Then there was a middle aged African woman from Zimbabwe that came to Canada to flee political persecution because she was part of a human rights organization that was documenting the egregious human rights violations taking place in her country. Her name is Gertrude. Then there was me. One really awesome dude. I found Gertrudes story to be quite compelling so I will share it with you now.

One day in Zimbabwe while Gertrude was chilling at the human rights organization head quarters, she had received word that government officials or some nasty dudes were going to raid the headquarters in a very short time. Her coworkers told her that she had to leave the country or she may face death or life imprisonment in a really awful prison, but most likely death. Within a matter of a few hours, she was on a plane to the US and then rode a bus up to Canada. She had to leave behind her 3 children in Zimbabwe. She is now trying to bring her children to Canada, but does not have the money or resources to do so. I gave Gertrude a ride home at the end of the class. She is a nice lady. We almost crashed into a snow bank. Winnipeg roads are slippery.

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4 Responses to First Aid and Other Ponderings

  1. margaret says:

    Ahh first aid classes, they are like, the ultimate in social awkwardness. I remember the last time I took one, I got paired up with a guy who had to take it every 2 years for his job, so he was like, the class know it all. Oh MAN!

    You state in your post that you are socially inept, but I believe this to be false. No one who is socially inept would be able to come up with such a brilliant routine as checking out the robot baby's dance moves.

  2. Neon Jello Evangelist says:

    The mildly attractive female beside knew most of the answers and blurted them out, but I did get that "know it all" vibe from her so it was ok.

    Yeah, you're right, I'm not socially inept, but I can be socially awkward at times. I suppose everyone can though.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I think you should fuck Gertrude and then choke her baby.

    — Your Loving Husband

  4. Neon Jello Evangelist says:

    Ohhhhhhh Anonymous, you always say that! I recall just last week you said to me while we were making lettuce wraps "You should fuck Donald Trump and choke his baby." That was a good time.

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