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Arms like trunks

Mar 06 2015

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IMG_0375.PNGBlowing chunks on all the punks is like hauling trunks. Elephants still swing dance, don’t they know the twenty teens is all about trance? The coconuts have a certain way of spraying milk that satisfies the commoners, tell it to the coroners. Chow down folks it’s chow time ding a ling come and get it! The men outside are foreigners choking their coin purse for a chance at a gold trimmed chrome hurse. Have a drink, stay a while, wet your whistle and fall into the bushes. Pour another ham down the old food shoot, the punks will blow chunks on a dude flute. Elephants still swing dance, they where pants made of parachutes. They got trunks like arms. Faking playful mannered occupation, they got arms like trunks. The doctors patience is tested by whiny patients. They got tempered trunks to blow chunks onto the punks.

ROCK!

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We Know These Mountains!

Sep 22 2013

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I leisurely walked with Frank through the bustling Indonesian market square. We were pretty intoxicated on a mixture of various substances and were taking in the sights and being our usual asinine selves. A lady came up to me with a dead chicken and yelled something in my face, and I mumbled some incoherence back to her and we quickly continued on our way. We regaled about the moment that had just passed and carried on laughing without really taking notice of our surroundings. I started to look around and suddenly realized that there were a number of armed individuals in orange and black army fatigues walking by. They were giving us the stink eye, but I didn’t give it too much thought as we were told this sort of thing was commonplace and to just mind our own business and we would be fine.

Soon we reached the entrance of a dance club. The bass was pounding and it seemed like a bumping party inside despite the fact that it was early in the afternoon. I guess Frank and I were operating on the same wavelength as we both approached the entrance without any discussion. We made our way inside and the place was packed. The disco balls were in full swing and everyone had glow sticks and were dancing like crazy. I had been to lots of clubs before and had never been much of a club goer myself, but there was some kind of electricity in the air and I got caught up in it. We joined in on the dancing and I felt like I was on top of the world.

Only a few jubilant moments passed before party was pooped on. A man burst through the entrance into the building wielding a hunting rifle and began blasting holes in the unsuspecting club goers. He was walking with the gun at his side with a blank stare on his face killing without regard. At first I was terrified and I cowered by the wall and prayed that by chance I would be spared, but as he came closer and continued to kill countless people, I realized if I was going to survive, I would have to do something. The rifle he was using was a bolt action so I waited until he was within about ten feet of me and I lunged towards him just as he started to reload the bolt action. I grabbed the rifle and we fell to the ground both clutching the gun and somehow I managed to maneuver the rifle around to be pointing at him. It was at this point that I realized that we were surrounded by 4 armed men wearing the same orange and black army fatigues from earlier pointing automatic rifles at us, yelling something over the pulsing bass that I couldn’t understand. I considered letting go of the rifle and putting my hands up, but I wasn’t sure who’s side they were on and thought that they might suspect me as the one that had just gone on a killing spree, after all, I was holding the murder weapon. I quickly made a decision and started yelling “Back off or I’ll shoot him” referring to the man who had just seconds ago been killing seemingly innocent civilians. I held the gun on him and grabbed the scruff of his shirt while backing up, making my way towards an emergency exit at the back of the club. Frank followed suit and the whole group backed up slowly all with their fingers on their triggers. I kept yelling “Back off! Back off now!” but they continued their slow pursuit. Once we made it to the door, I pushed the killer toward the armed men, tossed the rifle, and burst through the doors into the glaring sunlight.

Frank and I began running. It was the only thing to do. We ran through the unfamiliar urban sprawl without a clue where we were headed. My heart was pounding and all I could think was to run as far away from the mess at the club as I could, as fast as I could. An alarm of some sort started sounding throughout the city streets and I could see that the locals were beginning to stir. As I ran, I noticed that everyone was suddenly armed. Woman and children were bearing small arms that almost looked like some sort of automatic pellet guns and they started shooting at me as I ran. “Fucking Christ!” I thought, “Kids are shooting at me!?” I felt something go beneath my skin on my upper back and my arm. There wasn’t any pain really, just the feeling of a foreign object in my body lodged just beneath the bottom layer of my skin where it meets the flesh. I kept running, I had to keep running. I was jumping over fences and trampling through gardens and sprinting down alleys and soon I stopped seeing people and it looked as if I was in some sort of abandoned area. It was then that I spotted the nearby abrupt edge of the city leading up into rugged hills and mountains. I decided that maybe I could lose them in the mountains and wait out this mess there.

When I hit the start of the first hill, I realized that I was nearly exhausted. I kept pushing up the hill and when I neared the more mountainous terrain, I noticed that the sun had dipped behind the mountain and the wind had picked up. I slowly began to run out of steam. I stopped for a moment behind a large rock and put my hands on my knees and began panting heavily. “Where is Frank” I thought. “Is he dead? Did they capture him? What will they do if they capture me?” It was then that I looked up to discover that I wasn’t alone. A young man, probably in his early twenties, was standing there not even 15 feet away staring at me, holding a gun pointed directly at my head.

“You think you can hide in these mountains?”, he said menacingly. “As children we train in these mountains. We spend weeks on end in these mountains on our own, fending for ourselves. These mountains are our way of life. We live these mountains. We breath these mountains. We know these mountains!”

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Beer Quest

Apr 24 2013

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FU FUBAR GUY

Mar 25 2013

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tron-funkin-blows-graffiti

Tron Funkin Blows alright. You know who else blows? The guy who painted this on the seawalk near my house. The first time I saw it, I thought: “Oh, nice, good Fubar reference, hehe” then as I rode by it on a somewhat daily basis, I grew to hate it more and more. (more…)

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Burger Poop

Feb 02 2013

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burger poop

Made this from a snapchat I saved.

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Harper’s Portrait

Jan 19 2013

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I was going to do up a comic, but I couldn’t think of anything to say so I just drew this portrait of Stephen Harper. ENJOY!

portrait of stephen harper photoshop

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Treaty Negotiations

Jan 14 2013

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stephen harper meets with theresa spence

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Diary of an Unemployed Guy: Entry #2

Dec 02 2012

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It was around 4:30pm on a Tuesday afternoon in November. I was sitting on the golden throne of prosperity, also known as the toilet, when suddenly I realized that I neglected to turn on the exhaust fan upon entering the bathroom. I felt as if this was a necessity considering the rancid smell of what I was creating, but I also felt that venturing to the fan switch mid creation was risky business. I thought to myself, if only I had a broom stick or long object nearby to extend my reach. At that, I emptied the full garbage can beside the toilet which consisted entirely of those cardboard toilet paper roll things. I began folding in the ends of each one and fitting them together to make a giant toilet paper roll stick about 1.5 meters long. Once I had them all pieced together, I looked at my cardboard staff and doubted its rigidity and length would be sufficient to complete its task. I grabbed the end and fully extended my arm. The staff hovered awkwardly around the switch and after a few seconds made contact. I gave it one fell push and the fan came on. Success! Of course by this point, I had finished my poop a good 10 minutes ago, but I was still pretty impressed with myself.

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Diary of an Unemployed Guy: Entry #1

Sep 11 2012

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Park rangering is done for the season so I am now transitioning into unemployed life. I woke up too early today. I find it is best to wake up late, that way you sleep during the time everyone else is at work. The rear window of my apartment looks over the parking lot and a two level open sided parking garage adjoined to the adjacent building. I was sitting in my computer chair, pondering a new grocery store smart phone app, when I noticed a lady on the top level of the parking garage. There was also one of those small yappy scotty dogs running around up there dragging its leash behind it. The lady was standing at the rail looking up at her apartment and then suddenly she tossed a large blue watering can up towards the top balcony. The can flew up and hit the railing of the balcony and then fell down to the ground below the bottom level of the parking garage. I watched as she tracked the trajectory of the watering can and leaned over the rail to see it fall into the ditch and pile of junk next to the parking garage. She looked at it for a few seconds, and then walked to her car and grabbed the rest of the groceries out of it and yelled at her dog. I am guessing that she just purchased this watering can on her grocery trip and thought, “I can just toss this thing up there and then I can do this all in one trip.” Boy was she ever wrong. I laughed for quite some time at this. Most definitely the highlight of my day.

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